


It Began With A Letter

by Six_Piece_Chicken_McNobody



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Diary/Journal, Epistolary, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-10-31 05:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Six_Piece_Chicken_McNobody/pseuds/Six_Piece_Chicken_McNobody
Summary: It's easy for Kairi to take up journaling when she thinks of it as writing letters she'll never send. And there's a warm familiarity that comes with holding the pencil and notepad in her hands.





	1. Sora

**Author's Note:**

> While I was dissatisfied with the handling of Kairi's character in KHIII, I did like the idea of her writing letters without sending them, as a kind of therapeutic exercise.  
> So here's an alternate take on that.

Dear Sora,

I’m sorry I wasn’t at Yen Sid’s tower when you got back. I wish I could have seen you before we left, but we decided it was best to start our training as soon as possible. Yen Sid is going to send you out for more training, too. I think it would have been nice for us to train together, but I hope you get to go somewhere fun. You deserve a break.

Riku said that you two hit some snags during the exam. I hope you aren’t disappointed about not receiving the Mark of Mastery—I’m just glad you’re all right. And remember: we took that first journey together. I was in your heart. I saw the things you did, and I experienced the things you felt. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t need the Mark of Mastery. I don’t think there’s any challenge you can’t face as you already are.

Yen Sid also told us about the other Keyblade wielders: Master Aqua, Terra, and Ventus. King Mickey knew them, too. I’m trying to keep up, but it’s a lot of information to absorb in one sitting. There’s just so much I don’t know. I don’t want to fall further behind, but I need to stay focused on what I can do right now.

Riku and King Mickey were tasked to help Master Aqua, but Riku in particular really took it upon himself. He seems different. Not because of the Mark of Mastery. It’s hard to explain, I guess. In some ways, he seems more like you, but in other ways, he seems so serious, like he was right before we left home.

I know, I know. I sound like a broken record. “Riku’s changed! Riku’s different now!” Like we haven’t all been changing.

And speaking of people who have changed…I’m going to be completing my Keyblade training with Lea. I still have a hard time believing it. I’ve been trying not to harp on the past, but I only had that one memory of him, back when he came to the islands as Axel. I was scared when he took me, but when I found out he was really trying to get to you, I was horrified. The fact that my involvement in all of this put you in danger…that’s something I never want to happen again, Sora. Ever.

So I’m here to learn how to fight. I want to do my part to help everyone. I want to be able to protect you. And I want to be able to protect myself, too. You already have so much on your plate; the last thing you need is to drop everything to come rescue me whenever I’m in trouble.

Still, it’s a little funny being here with Lea. King Mickey said he saved you during the Mark of Mastery exam. I’d love to hear more about it when I see you again. I’ve tried to get Lea to share a little—we’re still getting to know each other, and he keeps his distance. He won’t say much about it. I think he’s uncomfortable being thought of as a “good guy” now. Like Riku, he seems to shoulder a lot of guilt. I’ll keep trying. It took Riku a while to come around, too.

The world we’re training in is strange. It’s a kind of…”temporal bubble,” Merlin called it. I think he was dumbing it down, which—I won’t lie—I appreciated. Time magic seems so daunting. He’s starting us off small, though. We’re not even touching magic yet, just basic forms and footwork. He and Lea said they were surprised that I’m already so athletic. I had to remind them that I grew up running around the island and climbing trees and play-fighting with you and Riku. Lea’s skinny, but he’s so tall. And he’s used to fighting—really fighting. I’m not sure how it will work when we start sparring, but I’m sure Merlin will figure it out. He seems to have a solution for everything up his sleeve.

On that note: this place he brought us to is incredible. There are so many trees—“evergreens,” Merlin said, because they don’t change color or die in the winter. I told him that must make our trees back on the island evergreens, too. He seemed to really like that.

Everything feels new here, at least to me. The pine needles, the bark, the type of grass, even the soil. It all has such a different quality than what I’m used to. It’s like I’m breathing the earth instead of the air sometimes.

I’m not making sense, am I? It feels silly to describe this place to you in such glowing terms. You must have visited a hundred worlds as beautiful as this one by now. That was always our dream, to go and see other worlds. But we wanted to see them together. So I hope to visit those worlds with you someday, and I hope to show you this one, too. You’ll love it.

It’s odd, though. I’ve only been here a couple days, but I already miss the islands. Just a little.

I miss you, too. It’s been so long since we’ve really spent time together. With any luck, that will change soon.

I hope you’re learning a lot and taking good care of yourself. If you promise to do that, then I’ll promise to do the same.

I won’t worry. I know how good you are at keeping promises.

Thinking of you,

Kairi


	2. Riku

Dear Riku,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot since we parted ways at Yen Sid’s tower. I wish we could have waited for Sora—it seems strange to go off on our separate adventures, and even stranger not to say good-bye first. But I know not everyone has the luxury of working with Merlin’s time magic. I couldn’t have asked you to stay, knowing the task that lies ahead of you.

It must be difficult to go back into the dark realm, but this time, it’s your choice. You don’t need a blindfold, and you don’t need to change your form. You’re strong enough to do this yourself now. And King Mickey will be by your side every step of the way. The two of you—and Master Aqua—are more than enough to light the darkness.

Training is going well. All that sparring on the beach back when we were little really paid off. And I’m sorry about my initial reaction back at Yen Sid’s tower. I didn’t have the whole story. Don’t worry, Lea and I have been getting along great. He explained things to me, about why he was angry and how much he was hurting. He told me about what he did for Sora, how he protected him—both times. I had no idea. It really helped me look beyond my own perspective and see another side of him. He didn’t set out intending to cause trouble. In the end, all he wanted was to get his friend back.

It would be a little hypocritical for any of us to hold that against him, huh?

I hope you have a safe journey, Riku. You’re going to find Master Aqua, and you and King Mickey will help her come home. I’m sure of it.

I believe in you. I always have.

With love,

Kairi


	3. Naminé

Dear Naminé,

Well, this seems pretty silly. I started writing these letters so I could feel connected to Sora and Riku. I guess they’re more like diary entries (not that I’ve ever kept a diary before). I never intended for anyone else to read them.

But you might actually be able to. I’m still not sure how this works. Can you see through my eyes? Can you feel the paper in my hands? When I read these words to myself, is it your voice I hear in my head?

It’s a strange thing to think about. In a way, I hope it’s true. I hope you can feel the sun on my arms, and the wind on my face. I wonder if you can feel the training sessions, too. It’s rough sometimes. Lea’s no slouch in the ring. But there’s nothing like the feeling after a good workout. I’m sore at the end of every session, but that’s how I know we’re making progress. Different muscle groups are starting to toughen up.

Anyway, I’m rambling. My point is, it would’ve been impolite to write to Sora and Riku without also writing to you. Not just impolite—wrong. You’ve been in my heart for a while now. It feels like it’s as much your heart as it is mine. But that’s not right, is it? I can’t expect you to settle for that. I know what it’s like to be in someone else’s heart, to share that space. It’s an incredible bond, and I’m glad I got to experience it. But to live that way permanently…

It’s unfair. I know that Sora and Riku are working hard to achieve the Power of Waking. I’m a little fuzzy on what it is, or what it does, but it sounds like something that could be used to help you. I hope that’s the case—with all my heart, so you can feel it.

In the meantime, I’m sorry things are the way they are. I’ve been writing these letters to keep myself company, so I hope you feel like you’re being kept company, too. I may know what it’s like to share someone’s heart, but I also know what it’s like to be lonely.

This may not be an ideal situation for you, Naminé. But please remember: you aren’t alone. Even if—when—we find a way to free your heart from mine, you won’t ever have to be alone again. I promise.

With love,

Kairi


	4. Naminé II

Dear Naminé,

I just opened my notebook to write another letter, and what do I find but a collection of doodles at the bottom of yesterday’s page.

I won’t lie, it was a little unsettling at first. I don’t remember drawing them, but I do remember that I spaced out for a while after I finished writing your letter. So…I guess that answers my questions about how awake you are in there, and how much you can see and hear and feel.

I notice some shells, hearts, and stars. One of them looks like a paopu fruit. You even drew curlicues around my signature. I used to do stuff like that when I was little, decorating the pages all the way to the edge. My teachers…weren’t exactly fans. They usually had to write their comments on a separate sheet of paper, then staple it to my homework. Eventually, they started to mark me down for filling all the blank spaces of my assignments with doodles.

I guess I just didn’t like limitations, even as a kid. I caught a lot of flak from classmates who said I was using the wrong colors on coloring sheets. I told them that there weren’t any “wrong colors”—we all got our own pages so we could color them however we wanted. And besides, sand is red sometimes. They didn’t believe me, because the sand on Destiny Islands was yellowish-brown. I had to bring a book from home the next day with a photo of red sand in it, just to prove I wasn’t making it up. Of course, everyone dropped it as soon as I showed them I was right, like it suddenly wasn’t worth talking about anymore.

Wow. That was back in kindergarten, maybe first grade. I haven’t thought about that in years.

Do you like to draw, Naminé? Your pictures are so sweet. I’d love to see more of them. I don’t know if it’s easy for you to draw like this; I guess it only worked because I wasn’t paying attention. I’ll try it again today, though I doubt it’ll work now that I’m thinking about it.

Regardless: thank you for sharing your art with me. These letters weren’t meant to be anything more than a way to pass the time, but honestly…it’s nice to get a response.

With love,

Kairi


	5. Naminé III

Dear Naminé,

Thank you for the flowers. They’re lovely. I wish I had colored pencils for you to use. Maybe I can ask Merlin to pick some up when he goes into town today.

I wanted to mention something to you. It still feels a little silly to communicate like this. If you can manage to use my hand for drawing, then I’m sure I could find a way to have a real “heart to heart” with you. But something about writing it down helps me get my thoughts together.

I’ve been having strange dreams. At first, I thought they might be an effect of the time magic, but they’ve only started happening recently. The thing about these dreams is that they aren’t “live action.” They’re almost like cartoons. And they’re incomplete.

I don’t just mean the dreams themselves—the images are incomplete. They’re like sketches with blank backgrounds, or something drawn in crayon, leaving white spots in the colors. Unfinished, but vivid. I can’t make out the context, just flashes of details. Castle ruins. Stained glass. The ocean and stars. Flowers and fire.

Naminé…are you showing me these things? Is this how we’re supposed to connect? I don’t know why I assume you understand how this works any better than I do. But you figured out how to leave your pictures in my notebook. I can’t help wondering if you’re putting pictures in my head, too, or if our thoughts are just starting to meld. Some bleed-through on the page. It’s like this old radio Riku and I tried to fix up back on the islands. We mostly only got static, but every once in a while, if you tuned it just right, you could catch two stations at once, interrupting or echoing over each other. Maybe that’s what our memories are doing, even when we dream.

I wonder the same thing about my feelings, too. It’s been a little odd to spar with Lea lately. I’m fine during solo practice and spell-casting. It’s only when we get in the ring together that I start to feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why it’s happening all of a sudden. I mean, I had my concerns at the start, knowing who he used to be. I wasn’t sure how this would all work out. But I haven’t been nervous like this for a while. No matter how many times I practice my footwork and my stances, I end up freezing when I should be fighting. I’m stalling our progress and holding both of us up.

I’m not blaming you, Naminé, but I’d like to know if these are somehow your emotions I’m feeling. You must have had your own experiences when you knew him as Axel. I don’t know what happened, but I wish I could help. This discomfort is becoming a problem. I try to push it aside and be friendly as usual, but something’s off about our interactions now. I’m sure he’s noticed.

It just feels ridiculous. I’ve been fine so far. We’ve been joking around and getting along. If I had any problems, I should have addressed them right off the bat. It would be unreasonable to dredge up the past now, especially when we’re already well underway with our training.

So many people are counting on us. I can’t derail everything by getting caught up in things that are over and done with.

Wow. This was meant to be a letter to you, Naminé. And I’m just using you as my personal therapist. I’m sorry. I’d love to space out and let you draw some more, but I don’t think I’ll be able to this time. I hope I’ll have more dreams tonight, though.

Thank you for listening/reading. I know you don’t have a choice.

With love (and apologies),

Kairi


	6. Kairi

Dear Kairi,

Get. A. Grip. You’re here to learn how to use your Keyblade. You’ve been training for almost two weeks. And you keep going back to something that happened one time, ages ago? He wasn’t himself then. He hasn’t done anything since. He doesn’t even touch you, outside of training.

This feeling—discomfort, paranoia, whatever—isn’t light. Light isn’t any of those things. Darkness is.

Look at this beautiful world Merlin is allowing you to stay in, and tell me you’re going to let yourself steep in darkness. Sora and Riku had to go through so much to learn how to use their Keyblades. You’ve been given a scenic forest, lessons from a powerful sorcerer, and as much time as you could possibly need. Everyone has already made so many accommodations.

Lea has done nothing to you. The things that Axel did, Lea apologized for, and you accepted it. And you understand what led him to do those things in the first place. What more is he supposed to do? Do you expect him to keep beating himself up forever? He must be grappling with so much guilt as it is, and on top of all that, you’re going to make him responsible for your feelings? Give me a break.

Be better.

For real,

Kairi


	7. Naminé IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads-up: these letters are starting to deal with Kairi's trauma, and will continue to do so. Just something to be aware of going forward.  
> Also, Lea fans should proceed with caution. The canon story sympathized with him, but this fic will not.

Naminé,

He wants me to start calling him Axel again.

All I did was ask him not to apologize so much. He already apologized for what he did. He spent so long explaining what he’d been thinking and feeling, and all the people who were after him, all the pressure he’d been under. By the time he actually apologized, I didn’t really know what to say. Honestly, I felt worn out. I didn’t want to make him talk about it anymore when it clearly upset him, so I said it was okay.

He looked so relieved. But now he apologizes for every little thing. And every time, I tell him it’s okay. I’m not sure how we ended up here. I think he likes the reassurance, but it’s starting to make me uncomfortable. I feel like I’m teaching him everything. But I didn’t come here to teach; I came here to be taught.

He’s been staring a lot, too. I don’t know what to make of it. He doesn’t seem to notice he’s doing it until I ask him what’s going on, and he always seems as taken aback as he was the first time it happened.

Today was strange. He came to this spot by the cliffs, where I’ve been writing my letters. I was anxious that he’d ask to read what I’d written, but he didn’t seem too interested. He did ask about Sora, but I didn’t want to talk about him. Not then—not with him. He brought ice cream, but he didn’t even eat his. He mostly just stared.

I tried to make small talk; keep the mood light, you know? It was pretty forced, but something must have hit him, because he started to cry.

It was the first time I didn’t know what to do when someone was crying. Sora, Riku and I always sat together when one of us cried. They’d let me cry for an hour straight sometimes, sitting on that little island with the paopu tree. It didn’t matter if it was because I got in trouble at school, or because I felt homesick (even though I still can’t remember my first home), or that time I dropped my favorite toy in the ocean on the way to the island. They’d just sit with me, one on either side, and wrap me up in a hug. If I cried so much that it got hard to breathe, they’d try to make me laugh instead. They always did. And it was the same when one of them cried, too. Sora cried the most often, of the three of us. Riku the least. But we always knew what to do for each other.

I’ve never told anyone not to cry before. I wanted to today. The only thing on my mind was how to get him to stop. Why did it make me so uncomfortable? What’s happening to me? I’m losing empathy. I feel like a monster. But I couldn’t stand the sight of him crying. It almost made me angry. God, what’s wrong with me?

He seemed uncomfortable with it, too. He wanted to leave, and I didn’t protest. I don’t know why he came out here in the first place, other than to give me the ice cream. He apologized, and I asked him one more time to stop. I was already so unsettled; I just wanted that moment to end. I don’t want him to feel like he has to apologize for everything. I don’t want to feel like I have to reassure him about everything.

He stared again. Not that vacant staring he’s been doing so much. He was definitely looking at me this time. It couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but it felt like forever. Then he rolled his eyes and said, “Fine,” as if I’d made an imposition. Did I? I wasn’t trying to be demanding.

And then he said he’d stop apologizing if I agreed to call him “Axel” again.

I said okay. I even did it. But I don’t know if I can really go back to calling him that. I guess I’ll have to, now that I’ve started. But I’ve already gotten used to “Lea.” I thought he wanted to be “Lea” now.

That conversation was hours ago. I’m still sitting out here. The sun’s going to go down soon. I’ll have to walk through the forest in the dark, but I don’t care.

I don’t want to go back.


	8. Naminé V

Naminé,

I know you know my heart is racing. It feels like it’s going to combust.

I’m having dreams again, and I think these ones are yours. But they aren’t the crayon drawing dreams from before. This time, they’re absolutely real.

Someone was holding me in place. A hand rested on my head, almost gently. I was shaking so hard I thought my body would break apart into pieces, but I couldn’t move. Why couldn’t I move? There was empty space on either side of me. There was room to run.

But behind me was death, and before me was fire, and I couldn’t look away.

Axel was going to kill me.

I wasn’t breathing when I woke up. It took me a few seconds to remember how. That dream didn’t fade like the others, the details trickling away until they evaporated in the sun. It was a vivid, endless replay, and I couldn’t shut it off. I refused to go to training. I refused to leave my room at all. Merlin thought I might have a fever or something, but there was nothing medically wrong with me, so he left me alone for the day.

It does seem like a fever. Something is burning me inside. But I feel temperatureless. Lifeless. Afraid, but dulled.

I feel insane. But I know I can’t face Lea today. Not with that image in my head.

I’m not sick, but if I looked unwell enough, maybe they’d send me back, at least for a little while. It’s hard to skip meals, though. Merlin brings us food, and we all eat together after training. It’s horrible. Being alone with Lea for meals is honestly better. He’s quiet when he eats. Brooding. He gets so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he doesn’t talk at all, and I’m fine with returning the favor.

But with Merlin around, it’s so hard not to speak. We sit there, the three of us at a table, and Merlin sips his tea, and it takes every bit of self-control I have not to throw my plate at the wall and just start screaming everything that’s wrong. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this bottled in. Every single meal, I think: this is it. The pressure is unbearable. I’m about to boil over.

And every single meal, I don’t.

What if it never ends? We could spend months in here—maybe years—and we’d only miss a day in real time. This could go on forever.

I feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t do this. I want to go home. I want to go back to the islands. I want to be with Sora and Riku. I want things to be like they were.

I wish you were really here, Naminé. I wish I had another face to look at, another voice to listen to.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this.


	9. Sora II

Sora,

Did you know that Riku came home during the year you were gone? I could have been looking out at the island at the exact same time he was on it. I thought he was lost to the darkness. He didn’t come see me, not even to let me know he was okay. He didn’t think to tell me where you were, or what happened to the two of you. I still hardly know.

A day for you is months for me. I have an eternity to work through all of this, and I just can’t. The longer I stay here, the more time I spend thinking about it, and the worse it gets. Everyone else had already gotten over it before we even started our training.

I’ve heard him say, “Got it memorized?” a thousand times now, but I feel like I’m the only one who remembers what he did.

Why is it so easy for the rest of you to forget?


	10. Olette, Pence, & Hayner

Dear Olette, Pence, and Hayner,

I know we haven’t seen or spoken to each other since that one time, but I never got a chance to tell you how much meeting you meant to me.

I’ve been writing a lot of letters like this recently. Maybe this one I’ll actually send.

I was lost when I woke up on the floor of your hideout. I hadn’t seen my best friends in over a year. It was fuzzy—some memories were still coming and going. There was a dog with me—I didn’t even know who he was. I was so disoriented. But you made sure I was okay and let me hang out. We told each other stories. You asked about Sora, and it’s funny…the more I talked about how much I missed him, the less I found myself missing him. You’d think the opposite would be true, but it was just nice to be in the company of friends again.

And then he showed up. I don’t know how many worlds he went to before he finally tracked me down. I’d never met him before, but he knew who I was and how to find me. He knew Sora’s name. He dragged me into the darkness, and I had no idea what was happening. I couldn’t get free. I truly thought I was going to die.

Once we got back to the islands, Sora told me about how you three ran all over Twilight Town looking for me. You were even attacked. That man had already taken me to a place between worlds. You were never going to find me. It seemed laughable to even try.

I didn’t laugh when Sora told me that. I cried. I sobbed.

You guys remind me of myself and my friends. We were always looking for adventures, or just lying around in the sun. But when the darkness came to our home, it drove us apart. You three fought together. You fought for me. You’d only known me for a couple of hours.

I don’t care that you couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t, either. I still can’t.

But I’ll never forget that you tried.

Thank you.

With love,

Kairi


	11. Naminé VI

Dear Naminé,

I’m having other dreams now. I end up in random places. Sometimes Destiny Islands, sometimes Twilight Town. Sometimes places I’m sure I’ve never been. I’m outside in the middle of the day, and I notice Axel nearby. He’s just watching, like he’s mildly curious, thinking something over. Studying me. I act like I don’t see him, but he’s always there.

I find a police officer and try to tell him. He takes one look at Axel, and then he says, “Young lady, it’s not a crime to exist in public. If this man’s presence bothers you so much, maybe you should go somewhere else.”

I did go somewhere else the last time this happened. It didn’t help.

Training is getting worse. He handles his Keyblade oddly. Slinging it over his shoulder like his old weapons when he’s at rest. Sometimes he seems frustrated at the Keyblade for not being what he’s used to. He keeps using raid attacks, even though Merlin told us not to in basic training.

He throws; I learn how to block. He casts Firaga; I cast Cure. He laughs—“HA-haa!”—whenever he one-ups me; I want to tear my skin off. His moping made me uncomfortable, but seeing him happy is a thousand times worse.

I don’t freeze up that much anymore, but when I fight back, I end up overdoing it. Merlin usually steps in and tells us to take a break. “All right, all right now, settle down you two.” I can’t settle down. I’m always unsettled these days.

I still don’t know what to do. Honestly…sometimes I even get mad at you, Naminé. I think about what little I know of Castle Oblivion, and I feel pure revulsion. But it’s not my own. It’s your disgust at yourself, rising to the surface.

Those emotions must be so strong, that self-loathing so deeply ingrained, to come up that fast. But I can’t even figure out my own feelings like this. I can’t tell if I have a right to feel the way I do—if I’m the one who feels that way in the first place, or if I’m just leeching off of your memories, claiming them as my own.

But if I am…well. I guess that makes us even, huh?

I’m sorry. It took me five minutes to even write that. I know this isn’t your fault. You’re as trapped as I am right now. I’m just so tired. These dreams I’ve been having stay with me all day. I need rest.

Good night,

Kairi

P. S. — Actually, I meant what I wrote. Maybe I’m lashing out at you because I feel like lashing out in general. Maybe it’s because you feel safe to lash out at. Maybe it’s because you truly deserve it. But I’m tired of micromanaging myself. I’m so, so tired of putting my emotions on hold, trying to figure out if they’re “right” before I allow myself to feel them. I can’t even think about certain things without worrying about how it will make you feel.

There are a lot of people I’m angry at right now, I’m realizing. You’re one of them, Naminé. I don’t hate you. I still want to help you. But the more I think about what you did, the more it disturbs me. After everything my friends and I went through, after losing Riku and having to let Sora go, you nearly tore us apart for good. I spent a year of my life missing someone I couldn’t even remember.

You may be trapped here, but it’s not your face that has to smile, it’s not your voice that has to say “good morning” every day, and it’s not your body that Lea attacks in the ring. And on top of all that, I have to feel your feelings, too? I’ve been keeping my mouth shut, keeping these letters to myself so Sora and Riku can get their jobs done without having to worry about me. I can’t carry the burden of two people in silence.

I’m angry at you. But the difference between you and everyone else is that I know you understand why. I know you hate what you did, too—I can feel it for myself. I’m not ready to stop being angry about it. I’ve barely started to be angry about it.

But I won’t forget that you spent a year repairing what you almost destroyed.

So…thank you for that, at least.


	12. Sora & Riku

Sora & Riku,

I’ve decided to address this letter to both of you. I’m tired of keeping my thoughts to myself, and I’m tired of information being withheld. I can’t even remember the last time all three of us were on the same page.

Riku, I know I’ll see you when I return to Yen Sid’s, but I don’t want to. Not for a while. Why didn’t you let Sora be with me on that ship? My body may have been sleeping, but my heart was awake. I saw everything through Sora’s eyes, and I heard every word. You said you were keeping me safe, but you “guarded” me from my best friend, only to let strangers pass me around like a doll.

I don’t know what happened to you. It wasn’t the darkness. Something changed long before then. You started fighting with Sora all the time. You kept making jokes about the paopu fruit, but they weren’t funny. I don’t know what you were thinking. I don’t know why you ever thought you were protecting me. You didn’t even let me speak.

You all sent me here to learn how to defend myself, and you’re making me do it alongside the man who stalked and kidnapped me. Do you have any idea what it was like to hear that news? To only get one word out before you all rushed to “reassure” me? I wanted to confide in you, to ask you privately to give me some backup, to tell you that I was scared. But you didn’t even notice.

To be clear, Riku, I don’t care about the darkness. I could handle a friend who chooses darkness, if he still had my back. I don’t care about the light, either. I don’t give a fuck about your Mark of Mastery. You’re still the same. Not listening to me, and handing me off to the people who held me hostage.

You can do whatever you want, as far as I’m concerned. Looking back, you always have. But I just don’t trust you anymore.

Sora…I still miss you. I still want to see you, more than almost anyone. But you shouldn’t have left me behind. You should have let me go back to Hollow Bastion with you. Maybe we could have done something together. Maybe I could have helped you find Riku. Maybe you wouldn’t have forgotten me. Maybe I wouldn’t have forgotten you. Maybe we wouldn’t have lost a year of our lives.

Maybe Axel wouldn’t have found me waiting on the shore. Maybe I wouldn’t be stuck here with him now, writing letters I’m never going to send. Maybe none of this would have happened.

Before you fought Xemnas, I told you that where one of us went, the other would go, too. Did you think that was a stupid platitude? You’ve known me for over ten years—when have I ever said something like that and not meant it with all my heart? I’ve been saying that I want us to go together for so long. Why don’t you ever let me? Why is it up to you at all?

I once told you to never change. I was fourteen years old and afraid of the future. I’m not afraid anymore, and Sora, if you wanted to change a few things, I wouldn’t complain. I’ve changed, too.

You two are my friends, but saying that just makes me feel sad right now. I wish things could be like they were. Maybe they will be again, someday, but it’s just not something I can count on now.

But still, with love,

Kairi

P. S. — Our outfits were delivered today. I don’t know who was responsible for mine, but whoever it was: try again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Riku was one of my favorite characters, but I just cannot buy the idea that he'd vouch for Axel/Lea because of one flashy, out-of-nowhere rescue. I especially can't buy him encouraging Kairi, of all people, to just chill out and be cool with the man who kidnapped her, no questions asked. His characterization took a steep nosedive for me in that scene, and he never fully recovered.  
> 


	13. Kairi II

Dear Kairi,

I’m sorry.

You knew something was wrong, and I made you keep it to yourself. I told you to “be better.”

I’m going to be better from now on. You’re the only person whose weight I need to carry.

You were right. I’m sorry.

I love you.

Kairi


	14. Lea

Lea,

First things first. You didn’t “cause trouble.” You didn’t “make a mistake.” You weren’t “in a bad frame of mind” or “out of control.” You were perfectly lucid when you decided to kidnap me. You could have chosen not to at any time, and you didn’t.

You told me to start calling you “Axel” again. The truth is, I never stopped. I beat myself up over it. I felt guilty for not being able to see beyond who you used to be, but I couldn’t get the face and the voice and the grip of Axel out of my head. And now, knowing that you want to be Axel again…

I tried so hard in the beginning. I tried to be the right person, to do and say and even think the right things. “The worlds are at stake, and your friends are out there being brave, and you’re going to complain about this? One incident that happened when Lea wasn’t even himself? He didn’t hurt you. I mean, your arm was sore, but it wasn’t like he broke it or anything. You were just a little shaken up.”

I said this over and over, trying to convince myself that what you did was somehow okay. Convincing you was so much easier. All I had to do was say the words. My forgiveness and acceptance were just a matter of time, as long as you got your chance to explain.

When the staring and the daily apologizing started, I followed along, eager to smooth everything over. Always patient, always accommodating. Acting delighted because you gave me an ice cream bar.

I don’t know what you did to make Naminé so afraid of you. All I have are dreams and suspicions and gut feelings. But I don’t need to know. What you did to me was more than enough.

I’m afraid of you. I have never not been afraid of you. Even if you truly changed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I would still be afraid of you, and I would still have reason to be. And just knowing that—I can breathe. I feel human again.

I told myself that being angry was a sign darkness, and that if I acknowledged it in any way, I was giving in. It made sense at the time, but I can’t understand that line of thinking anymore. It doesn’t feel dark at all.

I am a Princess of Heart. Your anger may burn hot, but mine burns bright.

I am done doing your work for you.

With the utmost sincerity,

Kairi


	15. Naminé VII

Dear Naminé,

Writing letters to you might be superfluous at this point, but I want to treat you with the same regard I have for everyone else.

I think of you as my “heart sister.” We have an inherent link, and we probably always will. But you aren’t bound to me. You’re not my missing half. You are Naminé, and I am Kairi. We both deserve to be our own people, and we get to decide how much involvement we want in each other’s lives. Once we figure out how to separate our selves, there will be no obligation left between us.

Having said that, I’d be happy if you decided to remain a part of my life. We have a lot in common. A lot of unfortunate things, and a lot of amazing things. Talking to someone who can relate to that would be incredible. I think this—more than anything—is what I’ve been wanting all along. My life is full of conflict right now, and there’s a lot of tension in my soul, but your presence has helped. Truly.

However, I understand if you simply want to get away from all this. I wouldn’t blame you. You deserve what you’ve never had, Naminé: to live life for yourself. The choice is yours, and I’ll support whatever decision you make.

Things are starting to clear up for me, although this still isn’t where I want to be. It’s like the fog is lifting, but I’m adrift. My heart feels waterlogged. My stomach is churning. But that’s okay. I was named for the sea, and so were you. I think that churning and roiling on the inside is a good place to start.

Today, I told Merlin that I want to learn light magic. I have no idea where that came from all of a sudden. From me, I guess. Little bits of me have been snapping like this lately. Not violently, not breaking apart, just popping out of place like ill-fitting puzzle pieces. Lea laughed and said something like, “Whoa there, tiger, it’s not a competition. You trying to make me look like an underachiever or something?”

Obviously I didn’t mean that I wanted to start right away. But Merlin agreed that light magic is very advanced, and wielding it in its raw form like elemental magic takes years and years of training. That’s all right with me. I’m going to keep up my training long after this war is over. And if he still doesn’t want to teach me, then I’ll find someone who will.

Light magic may be beyond my scope for now, but we’ve finally arrived at water spells. Lea wasn’t very enthusiastic when Merlin told us. He tried to laugh it off. Said it wasn’t really “on-brand” for him. But it suits me just fine. People always compliment the flowers and the hearts on my Keyblade. They don’t usually mention the blue crest on the hilt.

We’re starting basic forms tomorrow, and I can’t wait.

I’m going to learn how to make waves again.

With love,

Kairi


End file.
